Transition – How I learned Not to Give A Shit and Fucking Love Myself

Growing up as a teen pre transition, I fucking hated myself. I blamed myself for my parents divorce. I blamed myself for letting myself be controlled by abusive relationships. I blamed myself for not preventing abuse done to me by people with more power. I blamed myself for the people in my life whose affection I craved not loving me.

Then, I started gender transition.

When you publicly and visibly transition gender, you have to start dealing with a lot more visible, immediate and inexcusable hatred from strangers who do not know you.

Growing up experiencing insidious small scale abuse from people you’re told you should be able to trust, it’s easy to blame yourself for the abuse you recieve. Those people are supposed to protect, like and love you. If they don’t, you’re the problem.

When the abuse is obvious and external, from people who you know you’ve never harmed, it’s a little more obvious you’re not the issue, they are.

Some people are just nasty, abusive arseholes.

Every time I’ve had to stand up for myself to a stranger during transition, be it fighting for my right to use a public bathroom or a store changing room, getting my ID accepted or getting hassled on the street by a creepy guy, I’ve found a little more strength and personal resolve.

Every time, I’ve gotten better at recognising past abusive behaviour used against me in my life.

Every time, I’ve grown in confidence.

Since transition, I’ve found the confidence to tell my biological father about how much his behaviour while I was growing up effected me.

I’ve found the confidence to track down the pedophile who abused me and take him to task for the impact his actions had on me.

I’ve found the confidence to track down my childhood bully and explain to him how his controlling abusive behaviour ruined several years of my life.

Since starting transition, facing visible abuse from strangers, and finding confidence in my own identity, I’ve learned to recognise abuse, and to address it directly before walking away on my own terms.

I’ve learned to do what makes me happy.

I’ve learned to move on and find closure from the abuse that crafted me.

I’ve Learned Not to Give A Shit and Fucking Love Myself.

One thought on “Transition – How I learned Not to Give A Shit and Fucking Love Myself

  1. Why is it so many trans women have been used by adult men when they were under 18? It’s mental.

    I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better in yourself Laura, you’re a very talented writer, very entertaining to watch on YouTube and also very beautiful. ^_^

    Have a good day.

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