Suicidal Ideation and Creative Ambition are uncomfortable, conflicting, painful bedfellows. The duelling urges to prove yourself worthy of wide recognition and legacy, while simultaneously feeling crushed by the world and wanting to take the permanent solution to temporary problems can cause an emotional roller-coaster I feel ill equipped to handle.
I am well aware that I will one day die. That much is not up for debate.
I’m well aware if I die today, more people will notice my death than if I die in my 70’s of natural causes. More people will discuss my passing. More people will feel the need to look back over my legacy. More people will mourn my passing. More people will feel an absence in the world.
These are the kinds of insidious thoughts that make suicidal ideations hard to shake. These are the ways suicide makes itself seem like a route to success, to a better life, to a life worth more.
These are the insidious thoughts that make suicide feel tempting when you’re achieving public facing success. The idea you’ve peaked and your death is the only way to turn a life of ever diminishing returns into a life that ended at the top.
What keeps me here is creative ambition, hope of creative vindication, and fear that I’ll end my life before I hit my stride. What keeps me going is the thought that E3 this year might turn public attitude toward my work as past leaks and reports are shown accurate. What keeps me going is the hope that tomorrow might be the day that dream job offer appears out of nowhere and validates my work as being of value.
What keeps me going is the belief that maybe I can fly closer to the sun without falling violently down to the earth.
What terrifies me is the thought that I’ve already flown too close, and the desire to crash and burn spectacularly rather than to slowly spiral unnoticed, quietly drifting to my doom out of sight.
I honestly spend my days bouncing between the strength of ambition that first got me where I am today, and suicidal urges that I know on paper are not to be believed, but in reality take time, effort and energy to shake off.
It feels stupid to feel this strongly either way about a career discussing video games and whether they are good or not.