Back in Spring 2016, after years of waiting on NHS waiting lists and a crowd funding campaign to pursue private surgery costs, I was finally given a date I had been waiting a good chunk of my life for. I learned that I would be undergoing vaginoplasty, a medical procedure designed to turn my penis into a vagina, solving a big source of my gender dysphoria as a trans woman.
As much as I vehemently disliked having a penis, its days were suddenly numbered, and I did start to realise that it was a part of my body that I had very literal numbered days left to make use of.
So, I essentially made a penis bucket list, a list of things to do during the weeks before surgery, and worked through a series of “now or never” activities just to see how they turned out.
Get ready to learn what it’s like trying to fit the excitement of a lifetime of penis ownership into a few short weeks.
Various Peeing Activities
Peeing outdoors with a penis is infinitely more practical than peeing outside with a vagina. Whip it out quickly, pee into a bush, couple of shakes and pop it away is infinitely easier than having to remove any clothing on your lower half, squat, avoid trickling pee from hitting your feet and then hopefully wipe up if you have tissues or wipes with you.
While products exists that are essentially funnels for vagina owners to stand and pee, the idea of then carrying a pee soaked funnel home in your bag isn’t super appealing.
While the sensation of standing to pee isn’t anything special, from a practical standpoint I knew I would miss it. So, I decided to get some outdoor peeing done.
I unfortunately don’t live somewhere that snows, so peeing my name into snow wasn’t an option, but I did do the next best thing. I went to a beach in the dead of night where nobody was around and peed my name into some sand.
While I get the appeal, the challenge of turning a bodily function into a piece of non permanent art, it’s honestly something I did once and won’t ever miss not being able to repeat.
I also peed into a bottle because apparently that’s a thing some penis owners do when they’re unable to get to a bathroom. It fills up quicker than expected, leaves you with a gross bottle of pee, and I really don’t get it.
I did make sure that the last time I peed with a penis, I did so standing up. It’s practical more than enjoyable, but I wanted to ensure I did it one last time.
Fucking stuff that’s not a person
Fleshlights, tengu eggs, certain types of fruits with holes cut into them, there’s a lot of things out there that penis owners argue are more enjoyable to have sex with than masturbation. While the idea of owning these kinds of items long term, cleaning them between uses, having to go to the effort of preparing them on an ongoing basis never appealed to me, I was curious if they were any good as products.
Fleshlights are pretty impressive to use at the time but my god the idea of trying to clean one out is bloody depressing.
Tengu eggs are similar in sensation, but have a much shorter penetrative depth which makes it harder to ignore the fact you’re fucking a weird plastic egg.
Cake was one weird suggestion I got, it was alright, seemed like a waste of perfectly good cake.
Take a bunch of dick pics
In 24 years of penis ownership I never took a dick pic, mainly because I didn’t like my penis and didn’t want evidence of it existing. In the weeks running up to surgery, I took a few pictures.
The main things I was shocked by when taking pictures was how large it looked. I guess in my head I had tried to minimise my mental picture of my own genitals, and in doing so I very much thought it was smaller than it was.
I didn’t look at those dick pics again until almost six months after surgery and the biggest thing that struck me was how alien it seemed. Looking back now at the dick pics I took prior to surgery it’s really hard to associate those pictures as having been me. It’s weird, it’s mentally detached, it’s something that I look at and struggle to remember.
Six months was more than long enough for my penis to seem like a bizarre distant memory, and pictures of it to seem like the sort of thing that must have been Photoshopped.
Looking at those pics now, I’m incredibly confident in the choice I made. My vagina feels far more a part of me than the penis in those photos ever did.
I now mainly have the folder of dick pics on hand for when I get sent unsolicited nudes online. Send me an unsolicited dick pic? You get an unsolicited picture of my prior dick in response. Seems to scare most creeps off nice and fast.
Pretending my penis was various things
I ordered glow in the dark condoms and pretended my penis was a lightsaber, complete with whoosh noises. It wasn’t as fun as I imagined. I suspect it would have been more fun with a second penis owner to lightsaber fight against.
I made some paper cutouts I could stick my penis through to pretend it was various things. Elephant trunk was a bit meh. The nose for Gonzo from The Muppets gave me a big ol’ chuckle.
Put it in a box of popcorn
So, there’s always those gross scenes in TV and film where someone puts there hand into a box of popcorn on a guy’s lap and they find out the penis is in the box of popcorn. That’s weird, creepy, and the idea of unexpected penis in a public setting is uncomfortable.
Still, I was curious about the experience, so I found a nice safe way to replicate this at home.
I bought a box of popcorn at a cinema, took it home on the bus, and stuck my dick in it at home. The salt was painful, the texture of popcorn is painful, this is not as sexy as creepy men in media try to make it seem.
Amusing to see, but also kind of painful if you don’t get it right. Requires a very specific level of arousal to pull off. Would not recommend.
Use a “Dildo Mould” kit
So, considering I was never going to have a penis ever again but might have partners who want penetrative sex, I thought it a fun idea to use a dildo mould kit to make a replica of my penis. I own it, it’s in my home, and it’s super weird to imagine it being a part of my body.
I honestly mainly did it because I loved the mental image of someone shouting “go fuck yourself” at me and me then being able to theoretically go home and do just that. I found that thought more amusing than I probably should have.
I also used the kit to make a candle. I’m going to burn the candle in celebration of the one year anniversary of lower surgery when that rolls around.
Getting kicked in the balls
This may seem an odd one to have on the list, but getting kicked in the testicles is such a distinct horrible experience I wanted to have it happen one last time so I could truly enjoy the knowledge that I would never have to experience it again.
My god it’s nice knowing I can never again get kicked in the balls.
Overall I left my last weeks with a penis feeling more sentimental than I expected. I never liked having it in the first place, and I’ve been nothing but happy about my decision in the year since surgery, but spending a few weeks trying to have some silly light hearted fun with my penis did leave me aware that those particular experiences would never be options for me again.
Penis, I never liked you, but I do miss the practicalities of peeing in a bush.