Today I went to my local Tesco Express in search of some tinned spaghetti hoops for lunch. My to my shock I was unable to find a single tin. I stormed up to the manager demanding an explanation and was told that they were unfortunately sold out, but thankfully they did still have Heinz Peppa Pig Pasta Shapes in stock, which I was assured would taste just as good. Cue me trying to decipher the plot of a children’s TV show from the contents of a miniature tin of tomato covered pasta shapes.
First thoughts, this show appears to be about the massacre of an entire town. All those bodies dumped into a large blood stained hole in the ground, just what I need to start feeling hungry.
So, character one in this show appears to be some kind of penis bee grinning like The Joker? I’m going to assume Penis Bee is the main character as there were so many of him in my meal. Hopefully our next pasta shape will give his character a little more context.
Okay, so this is clearly a crown. I guess it’s King Penis Bee then. Not much else to say, sorry I did not give his highness the proper title right away.
Right, so next up is this guy, Edwin the Evil Elephant Spy. I suspect he’s trying to sneak into the king’s castle during most episodes trying to find out the secrets of the aforementioned penis king. Not today Edwin, you are now safely trapped in my cavernous stomach prison.
Next up we finally come to what I’m guessing must be Peppa Pig, the true unsung hero of our tale. Remember the bloodbath from the beginning of our review? Peppa was the only survivor of that massacre. He pulled himself from the pile of bodies and returned to defend his king to the bitter end.
Last up is what I assume must be some kind of rodent. I initially thought mouse, but eventually settled on rat. Reginald Rat is some kind of double crossing informant, the character who ultimately betrays King Penis Bee and sells out his weakness to that bastard elephant.
So, how did it taste? Not bad, pretty good actually. Just a shame so many poor animated characters have to be slaughtered for each tin. The tang of fresh blood did fill that hunger I had been feeling when I initially went to Tesco for pasta so I guess this was a success. Perfect if your kids like meals made from the slaughter of the innocent.