Okay, so we are two months deep into the world being on lockdown, and I’m just going to be honest, my ability to imagine life outside of this weird new world is failing me. I’m not getting to spend my weekends exploring the world and getting new insights on video games, so I guess it’s time to view video games through the lens of the only experience I am currently getting to accumulate. Let’s talk social distancing and video games.

This past weekend, me and partner Jane started replaying through The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, one of the more surreal entries in the Zelda series. This, naturally, got me wondering, which enemies in the series history should be praised for keeping proper distance from Link and minimising their physical contact, and which enemies are we going to have to sternly talk to about the importance of washing your hands? I know this sounds like a joke, but right now I think some of these creatures are doing social distancing better than my real world neighbors, so this feels necessary.

Best – Deku Scrubs

If you’ve ever tried to fight a Deku Scrub in the Zelda series, one thing you’ll know about them is they are not big fans of physical proximity. The second Link tries to come near they hide under the ground, safely sealed away from the world at large. You can’t harm them, even with a bomb detonated just above their heads, suggesting they’ve got an airtight shelter to hide out in, perfect for staying away from Link and his careless spreading of germs. Be sensible, like Deku Scrubs, and stay indoors whenever possible people.

Worst – Morth

Only ever encountered in Wind Waker, the Morth are a species of Zelda enemy that look like little spiked balls with a single eye. Their main method of attack is latching onto Link, slowing him down and limiting his movement by maintaining physical contact. All the worse, they attack in groups of up to ten, which is really not advisable right now. Until the spread of disease is contained, we should be limiting social interaction where possible to those we live with, not our wider network of friends.

Best -Yiga Clan

While the Yiga Clan do occasionally have to approach link in person to fight him, I will commend them for properly following WHO advice and wearing masks in the workplace. Sure, it would be ideal if they lived in a region that let them take paid leave until all this blows over, but at least their bosses recognise that wearing a mask is an important part of keeping the local community save and healthy. Sure, the Yiga Clan members themselves may be young and fit, but they know the virus can be more dangerous than expected, and that they could pass it on to someone immunocompromised without realizing they have it, so they wear masks when they do need to go out.

Also, and this is key, their masks cover their nose, mouth, and even eyes. That’s the protection level we should be striving to.

Worst – Like Like

Right now, any form of physical contact with people outside your own home should really be avoided where possible, to stop the spread of disease. You know what’s worse than basic physical contact? Putting an entire creature inside your mouth. Even with all the credible advice out there about how the virus can spread through saliva, Like Like’s are still swallowing Link whole, with no regard for their or his personal safety. Get it together, we’re never going to be allowed back outside if you keep acting like this. Please, it’s really hard to come up with creative article ideas when I can’t leave this one room. Like Likes, stop dragging out this pandemic, I miss the outside world.

Best – Beamos

While many enemy types in the Zelda series are still approaching Link in order to attack him in person, Beamos has worked out that their job can be done remotely, thanks to the use of long range high powered lasers. There’s no need to physically attack Link up close with a melee weapon, simply do your job from the one static location you are forced to live and never move from. Stay in place, do your job from a distance, and remote work where possible.

Worst – Wallmaster

Seriously Wallmaster, your entire existence is grabbing strangers with your bear hands, and I have never, ever, not even once seen you actually wash your hands. And no, a five second rinse with plain water doesn’t count, and neither does a quick splash of anti bacterial hand gel. Grab some actual soap, it breaks down the virus structure fairly effectively from what we currently know, then wash your hands for twenty whole seconds, before you get back to work. I mean it, we can’t get cavalier about hand washing, or I’ll never be able to leave the house to write weird articles about which UK city is most like a Pokémon, or other such vital reporting. The world needs to return to normal, and your unwashed hands are not helping with that.

There you have it, the Zelda enemies I think are doing the best and worst jobs of social distancing during the current pandemic. Do you have any Zelda enemies you think need to be added to this list? Let me know in the comments below, because seriously I need more examples of good and bad practices I can make into jokes, it’s the only way we’re going to convince people to stop going to Weatherspoons for happy hour for a few more months so that we can survive, you know, all of this.