So, I used my work day today to watch a 40 minute long Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers porn parody titled Mighty Muffin Pounder Rangers. It was simultaneously more amazing and more of a let down than I expected.
It was forty minutes of my life filled with severe extremes.
So, let’s get get this out the way, most of my review will be focused on the frankly stunningly hilarious first seven minutes of this movie. You can probably guess why already but that’s where a lot of the “plot” takes place.
Mighty Muffin Pounder Rangers features the highest number of forced sex puns I have ever seen in my admittedly limited experience with porn parody viewing.
In under seven minutes it manages to reference Ivan Ooze and imply that it’s a nickname for semen about to spray from Goldong (Goldar)’s “monster space dick”, imply that Rita “Repressor” engaged in a ten thousand year long blowjob which is why she was trapped in her dildo castle on the moon, rewrite the theme tune to sing “Blow Blow Punder Rangers”, rename the core cast of Rangers to Jizzin (Jason), Creamy (Trini which is a stretch), Sack (Zack), Rimberly (Kimberly) and Willy (Billy), introduce us to the Pussy Patrol and rename our anti-hero Tommy into Cummy.
You thought I was done with the puns? Oh no, I am only getting started!!!
The dinosaur themed Zords are now Dildor, Dongosaur, Vibrator, ButtPlugosaur, and MasterbatorSaurous Rex, with the MegaZord now the MegaWhore.
There’s also use of the amazing magic spell incantation “Here’s a spell to ensnare a man, I rub my titties with my hand”.
Yes, the dialogue really is THAT amazing.
So, let’s dig into references to the show itself. The basic plot of this pornographic adventure is that Rita wants to enslave the earth for sex reasons or something. She sends giant Goldong to earth, and “a team of culturally diverse sexy college co-eds” are drafted to fight him off using sex and kung fu.
They fight Goldong off with an amazingly terrible hilarious sex scene. I’ll get back to that in a moment.
During those first few minutes of our adventure we’re treated to numerous nods to how horrendously terrible the original source material is. I love Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, but I acknowledge it’s inherently mindless crap.
We’re treated to references to Rita’s notoriously bad lip syncing, a deliberately poorly paced reaction shot, a joke about how ludicrous it is that nobody ever picked up on them colour coordinating outfits with their ranger colours, references to the black ranger “being written to once per episode do something that white people imagine black people do”, references to the worst bands and media of the decade, how poorly hidden Tommy (Cummy)’s eventual betrayal was and more.
It’s terrible, and that somehow makes it amazing to watch. Every terrible moment feels deliberate and knowingly crafted.
Also, before we even get to the hilarious Goldong Megawhore sex scene, there’s still SOOO much left to unpack.
Within 75 seconds of the movie starting there’s commentary on how banning transgender people from using the bathroom corresponding to their gender identity is “the first rule of being an arsehole”, which seemed oddly progressive for a stupid parody of a 90’s kids cartoon.
It’s worth noting before the 7 minute mark the movie does equate a visible penis to male pronouns, which seems an odd choice when they felt the trans bathroom line was important enough to make their trailer for the movie.
Also Rita’s staff has a floppy huge blue neon dildo on the top of it, the Rangers “Cummunicators” are condoms, and they get “turned on” by Goldar’s giant space dong.
Oh, and the “zords” are just vibrators and butt plugs pulled across some sand by string. It’s beautiful.
So, let’s get to the darn Goldong Megawhore sex scene. It is the most amazingly cheesy, funny, not sexy thing I have ever seen.
It’s full of stilted dialogue about growing magically, the giant suits are too bulky to look like they are actually kissing, the sex itself is basically two giant costumes bumping against each other for a minute or so and the MegaWhore has giant breasts that connect to the front and look like spray painted plastic bowls.
Then we finally get to what appears to be the intended sex plot of the movie. Cummy the Green Pounder Ranger is turned evil by Rita’s evil magic and the rest of the Pounder Rangers decide sex is the way to break the spell.
But not before Cummy points out it’s stupid that they can’t work out that the character wearing all green is the Green Ranger.
The Pounder Ranger outfits are not terrible, but as someone who has cosplayed a Power Ranger in the past I can see where corners were cut. Mainly they spray painted standard motorcycle helmets as their base which have a slightly off shape and took some shortcuts by skipping minor outfit detail in favour of larger overarching brush strokes of outfit design.
It does the job, and the dongs instead of lightning bolts work well, but as a costume nerd I was sliiiightly disappointed.
And seven minutes in, we reach actual porn.
The thirty minutes of pornography that follow barely acknowledge the source material at all. All of those front loaded puns and not one is uttered mid actual sex.
Sure they’re wearing their boots still and Cummy is wearing his gold shoulder pads, and you can see their helmets in the background, but not one pun saved for the sex itself is wildly disappointing.
Curse you Mighty Muffin Pounder Rangers!!!!!
I guess the only saving grace is they end by discussing how they broke the spell using “teamwork, friendship, determination… and my pussy too”, before a freeze frame rock music end title card.
Ultimately, this was both more than I expected and less than I hoped. The material surrounding the porn was suberpbly packed full of cleaver references, jokes, visual and narrative gags, but not saving any for the pornography is a real shame.
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers would never have agreed to a thirty minute physical activity scene with no puns, that’s for sure.